The Prequel
by Neon1
Summary: Not really any Redwall book, not a prequel of anything. It's funny though, my freind laughed. R+R


"The prequel of what?" asked Veil.  
  
"Shouldn't you be dead?" questioned the Abbot, I think his name is Mortimer.  
  
"Don't change the subject! This is the second fic she wrote, but it has nothing to do with the first one!" exclaimed the ferret.  
  
"How do you know?" said the Abbot, who in my last fic, suffered death by fish.  
  
"I JUST DO, OKAY!!!"  
  
"But seriously, shouldn't you be dead?" asked the Abbot.  
  
"Dunno, what year is it?"  
  
"Uhhh.in real life.2002." (a/n: Look, I don't know Redwalls time period, give me a break.)  
  
"...Yep." said Veil as if it were nothing.  
  
"Then you should be dead! Now be dead already!" shouted the ancient mouse.  
  
"Hi guys!" exclaimed Martin the warrior.  
  
"AHHH! How'd you get here!?!" cried the Abbot, slightly paranoid.  
  
"Time machine." said Martin pointing behind a rock at, wouldn't you guess, a time machine.  
  
"Well that makes sense," exclaimed the Abbot sarcastically "Why do I sense a hint of Dragonball Z here?"  
  
"Cos you're weird?" suggested Veil.  
  
"Shuddup traitor!" snapped the old mouse snappily.  
  
"I'LL SHOW YOU A TRAITOR!" exploded Veil, who in my fic, doesn't like being called a traitor. Picking up a stick, he ran the old mouse through.  
  
"HOLY MOTHER OF STEWED CABBAGE," cried Martin "YOU KILLED HIM!.Cool!"  
  
"Yah, I know." said the young ferret proudly "So what brings you to this time-line?"  
  
"I'm here to get my sword back. When I find that Matthias he's gonna be in such deep sh-"  
  
"Small children!" cried Veil.  
  
"TROUBLE!" the warrior corrected himself.  
  
"Oh, ok."  
  
"Hi guys." said Abbot Mortimer.  
  
"Didn't I just kill you?" asked the outcasted ferret.  
  
"Time machine." explained the Abbot guy, pointing at Martins trusty time defying machine.  
  
Veil was about to come up with a witty comeback but Martin got there first, tackling the old mouse to the ground, the warrior started slapping him.  
  
"I'LL #slap# TEACH #slap# YOU #slap# TO #slap# MESS #slap# WITH #slap# MY #slap# TIME MACHINE #slap#!" The crazed warrior shouted as the stunned ferret attempted to pull him off the old mouse.  
  
"Martin! Stop! You'll kill 'im!"  
  
"THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT #slap#!"  
  
(Scene break)  
  
In the other side of the forest, Cluney the Scurge was fishing, attempting to spear fish with a rolled up newspaper. "WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING!?!"  
  
(Scene break)  
  
(Somewhere in Mexico)  
  
A certain snake was sitting by a pool sipping margaritas. (I think that's how you spell it, anyway, it's a Mexican drink.). "Hey wait, isn't this a prequel, not a sequel?" asked a confused Asmadeyus, now known as Jimmy.  
  
(Yeh, but I'm pretending that you originally came from Mexico.)  
  
"What about the name?"  
  
(I reckon you were originally called Jimmy, but you changed it to Asmadeyus coz, lets face it, Jimmy ain't a very scary name, and in my last fic you changed it back to Jimmy.)  
  
"Oh, ok." Asmadeyus replied, slightly confused. (a/n: I still refer to him as Asmadeyus so you don't hurt your brain trying to think. ^_^)  
  
(Scene break)  
  
Cluney, who had given up trying to fish with his 'Sunday Telegraph', sat down to read the comics. After an hour he realized he couldn't read. So he sat under the trees and realized WHY everything was so dark, it was nighttime. So he lay down, staring at the stars wondering 'Where the heck did that tree I was sitting under go?' when it hit him, 'it' being a rock that fell out of the tree he was lying under, the tree had come back from its brief 5 minute summer vacation in Las Vegas, even though summer was LONG gone. (What did this have to do with anything?)  
  
(Scene break)  
  
Jimmy/Asmadeyus was slithering through the forest, he decided he didn't like Mexico that much, he was going to eat a couple of shrews when he heard a vicious struggle (a/n: yes its STILL going.), he turned around and saw Abbot Mortimer cowering on the ground and Veil the ferret attempting to hold back Martin who was shouting something that sounded like 'fire truck' or some-such. The psychotic warrior then shouted something about time machines and their misuses.  
  
The snake rolled his eyes and muttered, "What else is new?" knowing well that Martin and Veil weren't from that timeline, he just slithered on.  
  
(Scene break)  
  
Cluney skipped merrily through the woods screaming "Da na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN! BATMAN!" over and over and over again at the top of his lungs. He skipped past the struggle of Veil, Martin and the dumb abbot guy.  
  
"What are you doing?" asked Martin, deciding that the guy that had abused his time machine had learnt his lesson, much to Veils relief.  
  
"Da na nahrring." explained Cluney, as if it were the most obvious and normal thing in the world.  
  
"Why?" asked Veil, who had let go of Martin.  
  
"I JUST AM, OK!!!" screamed Cluney, he then ran away crying. Unfortunately he forgot that he couldn't run through trees, ran into one and was knocked unconscious.  
  
"Well that was disturbing." commented Veil.  
  
"Yeh." agreed Martin. The Abbot didn't say anything, he was unconscious too.  
  
(Scene break)  
  
Matthias walked through the Abbey halls, and, being the klutz he is, fell over.  
  
"Owww." said the young mouse, getting up. He fell back over when something hit him in the head, three guesses what it is.Wrong! It was a hamburger!  
  
(Scene break)  
  
By midnight Matthias, Cluney, Veil and Martin had formed a small gang for some reason. They had thrown Mortimer off a cliff, he was in the way, and were in the Abbey. They were worried about Cluney who was uhhh.an insomniac and they were trying to make him shut up. They were about to give up when he ate the gag but then something scary happened, something that almost gives this fic a storyline, the garden gnomes had come to life. No one knows how it happened, not even _I_, the author! All they knew was that they had to be stopped, because by 1:00am the gnomes had taken and killed their third victim, and coz they were bored. But there was one question: How do you kill a garden gnome? Cluney kept suggesting fire, but they ignored him,  
  
(4 hours later)  
  
The four-some had locked themselves in a broom closet, the garden gnomes showed no mercy.  
  
"I say we go burn 'em!" said Cluney.  
  
"You've been saying that for four hours!" snapped Veil.  
  
Martin, remembering why he came to this time-line, leapt onto Matthias and started beating the snot out of him. "What did you do with my sword you ba- "  
  
"SMALL CHILDREN!" cried Veil, but then psychotic laughter was heard from outside.  
  
They opened the door to see Cluney the Scurge, showing his true colours as a fire-bug. He had a lit candle in one hand and a can of Mortein in the other and was (as he was screaming at the top of his lungs) sending the garden gnomes to the seventh layer of heck with everybodys favourite solution, FIRE! And a psychotic insomniac with a makeshift flamethrower is not a pretty sight.  
  
Martin shrugged and picked up a baseball bat and started beating some of the remaining killer gnomes into rubble. Matthias and Veil looked at each other a 'if you cant beat 'em, join 'em' look before joining in.  
  
Four minutes later, the garden gnomes were no more, another four minutes later, the four companions had found a 5kg tub of sherbet, ANOTHER four minutes later, they were on a sugar high.  
  
My editor wont let me go into my bloody, gory detail of what happened when on this sugar high, but I'll give you the just of it:  
  
Oblivious to the fact it would cause the pain, the four-some started 'helping' some of the creatures in the Abbey to shed their skin.  
  
Then they led some Dibbuns to the roof and encouraged them to fly, obviously the Dibbuns fell like stones.  
  
They then wondered what would happen if the fed a lit fire-work to a frog, so the tested on one that Veil 'rescued' from drowning in the pond. The result was not pretty.  
  
I am unable to even briefly describe what else they got up to without the rating jumping to R so I'll declare this THE END  
  
CUT OUTS  
  
(Cluney as an insomniac) Martin, Veil and Matthias watch as Cluney molds playdough as if it were the most delicate task in the world. He then suddenly grabbed a large chunk and shoved it into his mouth. "AHHH! CLUNEY! NO!" cried Matthias "I THINK THAT'S TOXIC!!!"  
  
(A campfire scene) Matthias, Cluney and Veil watch in horror as Martin pulls out a banjo and starts singing 'Sk8er boi'.  
  
(Thanksgiving) Martin and Cluney are sitting at the table as Matthias is about to cut the turke. Suddenly Veil runs in wearing a Santa suit screaming "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"  
  
(No scene in particular) Matthias runs up behind Martin and sprays him with cheezewiz.  
  
("Do it with Madonna" plays as credits roll)  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own it, never will. 


End file.
